While explaining my discovery to my roommates, I realized that this would make so much more sense in graph form. That's just the nerdy statistician side of me coming out. So, here it is (click pic for larger view):
And now let me explain this graph to you.
I discovered that whenever I meet a new boy, my approach is to subconsciously view him as a potential love interest. In theory, this is a good thing because it means I'm giving every boy a solid chance. However, because I approach boys this way, I unintentionally end up being an incredible flirt with EVERY boy when we first become friends. I honestly truly don't mean to be, but I am very extroverted, which is made manifest by being a very skilled flirt. I'm very good at first impressions and making people interested in me initially. I never see anything out of the ordinary about my flirting because it's just how I've always been. And thus I begin to develop a friendship with every boy I ever meet based on my flirty personality. It's all good fun and I'm always at my wittiest and funniest when I've got my flirt going on.
Unfortunately, often times this means I accidentally lead on some boys that I may not actually be interested in. I don't mean to lead these boys on, that's simply how they react to my personality. I reach a point where my subconscious consideration of a boy as a potential love interest just flat lines into what we call the "friendzone".
Let's set one thing straight: The friendzone is not a bad place. Most everyone I hang out with is in the friendzone. They are called my "friends" after all, so the friendzone makes sense. However, the friendzone becomes a problem when one party plateaus there and has no interest in further pursuit of a relationship and the other party is in fact interested.The boy's interest continues to increase even though I've unintentionally halted mine, thinking we are just friends. Then when he shows that interest, I freak out and tell myself that we're only "good friends" and firmly stand my ground in the friendzone by avoiding every advance he makes and the guy eventually looses interest. We eventually make our way back to the same playing field as just really good friends.
It would make the most sense for this place of friendship to be where things remained, and sometimes this does in fact happen and it provides for a very solid friendship. But of course life is not that simple all the time, and I personally seem to approach relationships in the most roundabout way possible. It often seems that only after a period of friendship do I tend to develop true romantic interest for someone. This causes problems for me. Let me just spell this out... A boy and I have just been happily trotting along as friends for a time and then suddenly I realize I'm interested in it becoming more than that. I've previously ignored the boy's attempts to build a relationship, so he has lost interest and he now only sees me as a friend. Do you see my problem? I've already unintentionally shut a guy down once, and when I finally develop those feelings, then it is too late and the opportunity has past.
Dating Rule #22: Do not repeatedly shut down a boy that you still might potentially be interested in at some point in the future.
End graph interpretation.
So how do I fix this problem, you may ask? I have yet to find a solution, but I'm going to throw some ideas down right now, if you don't mind. I don't think there's anything I can do about my flirty personality; that's just how I am and how I do things, and if I were to put a stop to it, I don't think I would ever be nearly as funny, which would be rather unfortunate. So as far as I see it, there are two possible solutions:
- First, I would have to focus on that point when I get turned off and stop having interest in a boy. I need to extend myself into really getting to know a boy and giving him a real chance, not just a fake, flirty chance.
- Second, I need to be more open with my emotions when I do finally develop those feelings after having spent my time in the friendzone. I need to just come out and tell a boy that I am interested and be willing to accept being shut down. If we can still be friends after he tried to pursue me, then I'm pretty sure we can still be friends after I try to pursue him.
It seems to me that these are two very solid solutions, however each of them requires me to go out of my dating comfort zone. I don't like that one bit, but I suppose, how else am I supposed to inflict change on my life without stretching myself every once in a while?
