The day I was brave.

To preface this story, I am a complete wimp when it comes to talking about my feelings. I've never been good at it. My first boyfriend in high school always wanted to talk and find out what I was thinking and feeling and I wanted no part in it. And then I broke up with him.
The past couple of months, I've been getting better, but I'm still slightly awkward in most moments involving emotion.

So there is a lot of history between myself and Stonewall Jackson. We dated for a number of months our freshman year of college and then he left for two years. Upon his return this past March, I think we both fully anticipated dating again. However, after a few dates, I realized that I had no interest in him. It was a very confusing time for me. After about 2 months of living in unknown territory, he forced me to talk and I told him my lack of interest in dating him. He, however, had opposite opinions about the matter. We parted in an awkward manner, with his heartbroken and me feeling miserable because I feared I had just lost a very dear friend.
We didn't speak for 3 months.
Then on one fateful day about 4 weeks ago, I saw him. I freaked out. This reaction was entirely unexpected. Yet wildly pounding heart and inability to speak were my natural first reactions to seeing him.We finally spoke and exchanged pleasantries. It was awkward, but I was reminded of exactly how hilarious he is. I had the strangest feelings... it wasn't that I was interested in Stonewall again, but I did realize that I wanted to be friends with him again and that I wasn't entirely opposed to the idea of seeing if something could happen between us. But how on the earth was I supposed to portray this feeling to him?! If I was him, I would be ticked... I broke his heart, we didn't speak for months, and then I come to him saying we need to talk. I would've exclaimed my frustration at him ruining of my attempts to get over him. How was I supposed to get in a situation where I could talk to him?

Then I had an inspiring conversation with my roommate. Why must relationships be so terrifying? Why can't we all just tell each other what we're thinking and get rid of the absolute confusion that comes with dating? Honestly, what do you have to lose? If it doesn't work out, then why not find out now and not waste your time worrying about it? But if it does work, why wait?

So I was pumped up and ready to take on the world. I was terrified, but I texted Stonewall Jackson and said I needed to talk to him. I decided that if I just laid it all out on the line and left nothing for wondering, then he would have no room to b angry. So that's exactly what I did.
Readers of the world, I have never been so brave in my entire life.
I showed up at his apartment at midnight. He looked at me like I was insane. I told him everything I was thinking and feeling. I didn't leave anything out, and then he completely shut me down and didn't respond. And I felt fantastic! If we're not able to be friends again, I'm fine with it because that is his choice. And that is (most likely) the end of the saga of Stonewall Jackson.

Dating Rule #84: Don't be terrified to tell someone how you feel. Ever.

The Friendly Kisser - who no longer runs away from her feelings